to see a smile

i don't have a lot of time at the moment, even though i am drinking a cup of coffee (the beans were roasted by a friend's dad), and i am in a strange mood -- a good writing mood though no doubt. when i finish this, i have a pectus excavatum repair inservice to finish preparing, brownies to finish making, and dumbells beside me that need lifting. but, all of that can wait so that i can say this.

i just saw a picture of a friend. to use a washed-up cliche -- a dear 'ole friend. i don't have much contact with this person anymore. honestly, no contact. this is just one of those non-expressed wishes we both made. both understanding fully that it is just better this way. i remember specifically a time when i turned to walk down the steps and out of this person's apartment, this person said, "if you turn to go, you need to understand, that i will not welcome you back. that is it. that is all i can take." i made a decision -- not in that moment -- but over a span of a couple years to walk out the door. if i had waited until that moment to muster the courage, there is no way i could've done it. if i had known what the next months and years were planning for the both of us, i would've struggled even more to do it. but that isn't the way things work. i had worked bit-by-bit on this decision. practiced it many times. and after many failures, i succeeded.

and so that picture. he had his arm around his wife. he looks goofy. he is smiling or laughing... or something. what i wouldn't give to remind him how good God is. that even though we both hurt so badly that day a few years ago, the action was a success. i am struggling a little bit with the desire to contact him and to try to explain all of this.

can't do that. pretty sure i'd fail. and i am confident that he is smiling completely independently of me and my thoughts on the issue. and that's kinda humbling, but okay, and actually the way things should be.