grace

okay, i am going to try this -- we'll see how it goes. i am sure that most of you are aquainted with the fact that sometimes i have these things in my head and in my heart and when i try to labor it out, it doesn't always go so well :) what is the deal with that? writing -- this type of writing is what i love, but i suck at it the majority of the time. i am a bit of a bi-polar writer i think. most of the time you get stupidity ... and if you are lucky, perhaps a stroke of something ... something... i don't know -- real.


anyway, last night at bible study we were discussing some verses in romans 3. we got on the subject of grace and what it is -- and if there are ways to look at grace that maybe aren't so beautiful -- but maybe 'offensive.' someone shared that they heard a message one time on grace and an example was given about a serial killer giving his/her life to jesus at the last moment before death. the question was, "does that frustrate you?" does that make you question God's judgment when you have been serving him for years? and of course, there is the story in the bible about the same thing -- the workers in the field who get the same wage for working differing amounts of time. and then there is the prodigal son...

some things i started thinking about:
what about the person in your life who hurt you. really, really hurt you. maybe never said they were sorry. or said they were sorry and repeated the betrayal again. whatever your scenario, is that person, deserving of grace?

for me, i think betrayal is one of the most painful 'hurts.' i wonder if jesus would agree. he washed judas's feet. shared an intimate communion dinner with him. loved him, the entire time knowing that judas would betray him to his death... of course, there was purpose in this betrayal, but still, jesus was a man. and he was betrayed by a close friend. remember when jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." jesus was experiencing a huge betrayal -- to the point of death.

think for a second, can you remember a time when your heart was on the ground? maybe it wasn't for a moment or a day -- but for weeks, months, God forbid years, it stayed there -- as a result of betrayal by someone close to you. someone who knew your smile and what it meant. your tears and what they meant. your heart and what it was thinking and what it felt and what would give you joy and what would crush you. what happens when that very person is the one to commit the blows. that person the closest to you betrays you. maybe spreads lies about you. misunderstands you. charges you with false accusations. and maybe you had even placed your life down for this person, and they still turn from you -- and try to shame you. you are in public, and people stare. you are the person who is despised.... and everyone knows a picture of you -- a false picture painted by someone who used to be so close as to call a friend but is now little more than a lump in your throat and turns in your stomach, and little lakes of tears in the corners of your eyes.

and you take comfort in the fact that jesus knows your hurt -- he was crushed and despised and disliked. misunderstood. but like a lamb led to the slaughter, he bore the shame and guilt without opening his mouth. then again, jesus bore the sins of the world and brought redemption through his death. and who are you? your hurt feels entirely senseless. you are just a little girl (or boy) whose heart has been broken and whose hope is wavering.

have you ever read ps 23 and asked jesus to prepare a table for you -- in the presence of your enemies. i'll admit, i have. and i'll admit, there has yet to be any public feasting. in fact, to this day, years later, in the world's eyes, they are still feasting, and i am still content to survive on bread crumbs from the table. they are esteemed. crowned... or so it seems.

deep breath. my point to remembering all of this, is to say that we can ask for vindication all day long. "God, don't i deserve for you to make things right? to show them that they are wrong and that they hurt me?" Isn't this when you sweep down across the land in your strength and might and wipe out my enemies? i admit, that i have hovered down and set my face on the cold tile in my bathroom on many nights, begging You to teach me how to forgive. and to love my enemies. And you know what i learned? i learned that i didn't know how to love until i had an enemy. i didn't know how to forgive until i had someone that i didn't want to forgive. i didn't know what grace was -- until i was asked by my Father in heaven to extend it to those who privately and publicly hurt me. Grace? Are you kidding? I cried out to God, "But why?" ... and this is when God finds it fit to humble me :) 'cause He loved me. and He forgave me. And he extended his grace to me.... and the kicker is that they have also received his grace. thy too will inherit the kingdom of God. they too will sit at the banquet table. romans 3:20-something says, "and there is no difference, all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..."

... i am not sure if i am getting anywhere with this. but, i am just trying to say that forgiveness is one of the hardest and most rewarding things in life. sure, we can say we forgive someone for petty things, but what about the rough things. the times you suffer with the door closed. alone, and the world may even praise the accuser. everthing might seem backwards. we can let bitterness set in -- deep in our hearts or we can realize that we are no more deserving of God's grace than they are.

grace has been given to me. to you. to the person who lied to you or who told you that they don't want to be your friend. grace is for the person who turns and walks away from you. for the one who shames you.

true forgiveness is hard to give. i'd argue that it is almost just as hard to receive. it may not seem 'logical.' the person may not say that they are sorry. and it doesn't matter. they don't have to.

that is the thing about grace -- it is completely undeserved.