lightening

why is it that i have these moments when i am overwhelmed with things i want to say and later when i actually take the moment to try and process... there is nothing. my guess is that some things are better felt without words -- that they are experiences that are special in that they occur like lightening -- flash for a moment -- cause the sky to light up in the darkness for only a moment. who am i to think that i can hold that moment and extend it in order to share it later. but... let me just say that i was blessed tremendously more than i deserve or have been in a long time by a friend's words the other day. he reminded me that we can often "feel" good things about someone and their role in our life, but it is so important at times to communicate those things or to express them. i am glad that i spent the moment, reading words placed together so meaningfully, all alone. i succumbed to every word. slid my fist up to my face to hold my chin -- and cried. i miss my friends. if that is weak, let me be weak for a moment. i miss true, true, you know the dirt, you know the grime, you know the smiles and love too -- friends. to this person i want to say: you reminded how much we have been through together. i will never forget. things have changed. i am different. so are you. but, i like the fact that we are all changing and growing. it is exciting to continue to know each other through the changes. it is funny, and this is random -- but life is full of milestones. (you have to understand, i just spent 8 wks looking at developmental milestones in children -- so i am very IN to the whole milestone-theme, if you will.) i have been through some pretty special milestones with some friends. and, sadly, some i have missed. but i look forward to the ones to come.

there is definitely something else i meant to say... it is about the conclusion of my clinical experience at tctch. but... as usual. this is it for now.

and i am afraid what i have expressed is so inadequately. and i hate that. but i have no choice. it is the best i can do for now. just remember we take thoughts and real feelings and try to put the english language to them. isn't it only fair for us to try to understand how inadequate we must be?
well, i throw my hands up in surrender. my heart is overwhelmed. and that is my picture for you. the only one i can really give.